The Lighter Sight of BDSM

(Sources: far & wide, top & bottom)

Symptoms Of BDSM...

You have a playroom full of toys - but you have no children

You spend much time on your knees - but you are not religious

You go to dog training class - but you have no dog

You talk about vanilla - but you do not mean ice cream

You are called a slut - but you do not take offence

You have an account at a hardware store - but you hate DIY

You have hooks in the ceiling - but no hanging baskets

You buy clothes pegs in bulk - but you use the tumble dryer

You have a tack room - but you cannot ride a horse

You train & humiliate recruits - but you are not in the military

You are called Mistress - but you are not having an affair

What A Dominant Should Not Say When 

Sub Is Bound, Gagged, Blindfolded & 

Suspended From The Ceiling...

1. This is my first time.

2. I have never liked you.

3. Oops!

4. I am not sure which end of this to insert.

5. Come in, the door's open!

6. Where would you hide a body so no one would find it?

7. You remind me of my ex.

8. I should really take my medication.

9. I wish this came with instructions.

10. Have you seen a key anywhere?

11. Darling, you're home early!

12. Say 'Cheese'!

13. I take cash or credit card.

14. (complete silence)

What Not To Do With Your Dominant...

Ask for your safe word to be 'Bastard'.

Roll your eyes when your Dominant is detailing your punishment.

Ask to go to the toilet during Japanese rope bondage.

Hide the toys that you hate.

Make obscene gestures when your hands are tied behind your back.

Ask your Dominant, 'What did your last slave die of?'

Explain that you can't do foot worship because you have a sensitive nose.

Sing 'Happy Birthday' and blow the candles out during wax play.

Ask Mistress if she is suffering from PMT.

Sigh or tut when your Dominant miss-hits.

Ask your Dominant "Is that a speech impediment?" when receiving verbal humiliation.

Decorate your Dominant's leathers with flowers and ribbons.

Close your eyes and snore when receiving a beating.

Provide a sports commentary during a scene.

Put a whoopee cushion on Mistress' queening chair.

Give a haircut to your Dominant's favourite flogger.

Threaten to call the police.

Fold your arms and say 'No!' when given an order.

Stick an Alka-Seltzer in your mouth during a scene.

Giggle.

Say that you can't count the strokes because your hands are tied behind your back & you need to use your fingers.

Superglue the nipple clamps shut.